Learning To Become A Great...
A Story from the Lore of Zen Buddhism
Matajura wanted to become a great swordsman, but his father said he wasn’t quick enough and could never learn. So Matajura want to a famous dueler, Banzo, and asked to become his pupil. “How long will it take me to become a Master?” he asked. “Suppose I become your servant, and spend every minute with you; how long?”
“Ten years,” said Banzo.
“My father is getting old. Before ten years have passed, I will have to return home to take care of him. Suppose I work twice as hard; how long will it take me?”
“Thirty years,” said Banzo.
“How is that?” asked Matajura. “First you say ten years. The when I offered to work twice as hard, you say it will take three times as long. Let me make myself clear: I will work unceasingly; no hardship will be too much. How long will it take?”
“Seventy years,” said Banzo. “A pupil in such a hurry learns slowly.”
Whether we are studying to become a great swordsman, a great girlfriend, a great business owner, a great parent or a great creator, we can all embrace the reminders in this story.
- Seek the help of an expert. This means if you want help with something, find a person who has a healthy relationship with that something AND be willing to pay this expert for their wisdom and willingness to help you.
- Keep your attention on what is happening now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Not pursuing your dream today because of a possible responsibility that exists tomorrow is wasting today’s opportunity.
- Work hard. Every great success that you respect and admire had a humble beginning — all accomplishments do. Everyone who is in a place such as you would like to be followed their own path and paid their dues. Be true to your path!
- Value time. So often we are in such a rush to get where we want to go that we do not embrace the process, which is the whole point! The fastest way to get from good to great is to enjoy every step along the way.
- Most importantly, do not listen to people who tell you “you can’t.” You can -- if you are willing to surround yourself with the right people, work hard, be where you are and respect YOUR journey.
This story used in this post was taken from Developing Management Skills By David A. Whetten and Kim S. Cameron.
"Live Like We're Dying" Daily Practice
I love Kris Allen's new song, Live Like We're Dying as much as I love Nickelback's song, If Today Were Your Last Day. I love these songs because they teach us how to work with the energy of death so we can learn to appreciate our life.
I choose to live every day like I am dying and embrace every day as if it were my last. I have always had a beautiful relationship with the energy of death and have learned to use this clear and gentle energy to help me thrive in life. To keep me on track, I practice a daily exercise that I call "Life Review".
Instead of waiting until I physically die to review my entire life, I complete a life review every day. Before I go to sleep, I create a dialogue between me and my highest self. Of course, I invite God and My Angels. I think about all of the choices I made, from the seemingly small to the obvious and large. I take responsibility for those choices and consider the ripple that my choices have made. I question if I will choose differently next time if the same choice presents itself. I think about all of my interactions, from those with strangers to those with my family, and consider if I showed up as my best self. I think about how I can show up differently to step into an even greater version of myself. I think about clearing away any unfinished business and making amends. I think about all of this because I do not want to die with any regrets. Most people tend to regret what they have not done. I believe that we can always find a way to re-frame an experience that we have had. It is a lot more challenging to create new meaning for an experience that you chose not to have. The “what if” choices not made can be debilitating. I work hard every day to neutralize my karma and use the life review to help me.
I hope you will join me and embrace this daily practice. Let me know how living like you are dying works for you!
When Service Stops Feeling Good
A few months ago, when some of my clients started to become concerned that the failing economy would negatively impact their business, I helped them create spiritual solutions that focused on increasing their customer service. But lately many of those same people are sitting on my counseling couch and letting me know that service does not feel so good anymore; and I know enough about service to know that when service stops feeling good, it is sacrifice (I know about sacrifice, too!). There is a fine line that distinguishes service and sacrifice and I would like to help you make that line a bit bolder.
I have been hearing this a great deal lately:
- I am angry
- I feel taken advantage of
- I feel unappreciated
- I do not want to give anything to anybody
- I am tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, shaky, etc.
- I want everyone to just leave me alone
- I do not want another person to need another thing from me
- I did it because I had to
- I felt guilty
- If I did not do this for them, they would have never gotten it done, but now I am behind
- And my personal favorite “F*ck it, I am done”
All of these statements point to -- you guessed it -- sacrifice. I am here to let you know that sacrifice has a cure, a cure that involves practicing self-care and flexing the boundary muscle.
The first step to healing sacrifice is to evaluate the people in your life who have been bothering you. Usually “everybody” is really one or two people, so watch out for the tendency to over-generalize. Creating spiritual solutions for one or two people is a lot more manageable than creating spiritual solutions for everyone; but you will not know what you need to do to feel better until you know who and what is bothering you and why.
- Who is bothering you? (Hey, do not hold back here!)
- Why are they bothering you? (Get specific, I want details.)
If you gave yourself some objective space to figure that out, you can use your answers as a starting point to lead you to clarity. Great job, by the way. Now it is time to ask yourself some important questions:
- What are my needs? (In general, or regarding this situation.)
- Am I meeting my needs? (If you found yourself resonating with the sacrifice symptom list, you probably have unmet needs.)
- How can I meet those needs? (I want you to give yourself permission to meet your self-care needs.)
- What are your boundaries regarding this person or this situation?
- Have you clearly defined your boundaries with this person or situation?
- Have your boundaries been crossed?
- Have you tried saying “no” (without offering an explanation)?
- Can you accept that some people may have a problem with your needs, your new boundaries and with your new favorite word (if you do not know, your new favorite word is “no”)?
- What internal actions do you need to take?
- What external actions can you take?
I want you to consider that it is only after you meet your needs and respect your own boundaries that you can serve others powerfully. Remember that when you sacrifice, you give what you do not have; and when you authentically serve, you need nothing in return. The only way to guarantee that you do not need anything in return from your exchange is to make certain your needs are met going into the interaction… makes sense, right?
For me, the hardest shift from sacrifice to service was getting over the fear that people may not like me, that I may be disappointing people or letting them down, and that my relationships may change and even possibly end. And, as I have met my needs and protected my boundaries, people have not liked me, and I have disappointed people; my relationships have changed and some of them have even ended… and I accept that.
I accept it because there is one person I will go to sleep with every night for the rest of my life and wake up with every morning -- and that person is me. To face my fear, I needed to make the decision that my relationship with myself was more important than my relationship with anyone else in my life, and that taking care of me was the only way I could help others. I hope you will join me in that thinking -- it has made all the difference in my world.
Today I invite you to find your place along the sacrifice-service spectrum. If you find yourself slipping into sacrifice, please take the time to answer these questions, and, if you need help creating spiritual solutions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
An Inspiring Message From New York City's Finest Rats
I believe that our answers are all around us, and that all we have do to find them is walk with our eyes open. I had a client who happened to be taking a walk through Chinatown with some close friends and saw some of New York City’s finest rats. She described the rats as she would a person, giving me such a clear visual that I could very well have been there myself. She was most animated about their attitude towards humans, acting as if we were in their territory instead of the other way around (to be transparent, I do not completely disagree with that). I had a sense that the rat was important and so I referenced Ted Andrew’s Animal Speak. It was no surprise to discover that “rat energy” is about success, restlessness and shrewdness -- a message that answers a great deal. Her session was all about claiming the success she has earned, embracing the gift of preparation that could only take place while creating the space for something important, and having better boundaries in response to others shrewdness. While I am amused by the teachings of “rat energy,” I am in awe of the Divine’s willingness to place our answers right before us on our path. What answers have been revealed to you today? I would love to know!
Working On or Walking Away?
Today I want to address the following question: When do I work on the relationship, or when do I just walk away from it?
This is a question that comes up a great deal -- in friendships, intimate relationships, relationships with co-workers and sometimes even with family members.
While there are many factors that must be taken into account when considering continuing or ending your most important relationships, the answer to this question is surprisingly clear and straightforward.
You work on the relationship when BOTH of you are willing and wish to make the relationship better. You walk away from the relationship when you do not have a willing participant.
You have to remember that it took both of you to get this relationship to where it is today, and so it will take both of you to get the relationship to the place you want it to go.
You also have to remember that it took time for the relationship to get to this place -- and so it will take time for the relationship to begin to heal.
Most importantly, no matter with whom you are in a relationship, you are in it with yourself as well. No matter what may happen in your relationship with another person, you will directly benefit from considering all of your important relationships and the ways in which you have shown up.
You cannot begin to solve your relationship issues until such relationship problems are acknowledged and admitted to by both people.
All too often we fear exploring our relationship problems because we are scared that the relationship will end or change in some way. Most people channel this fear by building a huge case against the other person. We act as if we do not care and we assume that they do not care either.
Please do not make assumptions or add your own interpretation. Everyone has reasons for doing the things they do. Even though we may not like it or understand it, everyone is doing the best they can. Most of their reasons are subconscious, which means that if they do not know why, the chances are that you will not know for certain either.
And, just like in any situation, when a problem is addressed it is no longer a problem -- it is an opportunity!
And as far as your working relationships may go, if your problems are at work then you can consider yourself lucky -- because you are actually getting paid to evolve! In such a case, you must always do your best and remain professional and respectful.
Today, therefore, I want you to ask yourself some very important questions if you are struggling with the ‘working on’ versus ‘walking away from’ internal dialogue…
- What are the problems in the relationship (be as specific as possible)?
- What do you want this person to do differently?
- What can you do differently?
- How has this person shown you through their actions that the relationship is important to them and that they are willing to work on it? (Be open here…the way they may show this is not necessarily the way you may want it to be shown, but you must give credit where credit is due)
- How have you shown this person through your actions that the relationship is important to you and that you are willing to work on it? (Be open here too…the way you may show it is not necessarily the way they may want it shown, but you must be aware of what you are doing)
- My life would be so much better or easier if (insert their name) would…
Let’s start there: please do not make any sudden or impulsive decisions. Please do not be judgmental of your process either. This is all about asking the right questions. Once you take the time to answer these questions, I am sure you will see that many of your relationship problems are personal opportunities to be embraced!
Another benefit of answering these questions is that you can begin to gently move out of that “stuck” place and create some positive movement. We all have the power to change our behaviors.
Remember when you do not work on your problems, you keep your problems close to you. So, start by answering the questions and letting me know of any other questions you may have. If you do have a question, please leave it as a comment and I will be happy to answer it to the best of my ability.
Trust By Default
I think it is hard to trust people -- period. To my mind, it is equally as hard to trust a woman as it is to trust a man, but for different reasons. I have struggled with trusting people my entire life, so much so that I can truthfully say that I have ever only trusted people in a half-hearted fashion.
Man or woman, as people we are inconsistent. At any time, we may find we are interacting with someone’s ego, their inner child, their heart’s desire or their soul’s purpose. We may cross someone’s path when they are at ‘cause’ and ‘proactive,’ or when they are experiencing their ‘effect’ and ‘reactive.’ They may be under the influence of fear, or even in love. They may be stuck in a negative belief system, or consciously creating the reality of their dreams. Their physical needs may be met or ignored. They may be under pressure, in denial or painfully aware. They may be open or closed, truthful or insincere, authentic or overcompensating. Their last interaction may have been positive or negative, fulfilling or meaningless, inspiring or draining. They may be on time or out of it. What all of this means is that we never really know exactly with whom we are interacting or what part of them will show up.
It is because of this that I developed and now embrace the philosophy of trusting by default. Trust is one of the most important energies in our life; it is the metaphorical heartbeat of our spiritual health. Without trust, there is no pulse. So, how can you stay connected to this most important energy without really ever trusting anyone?
You must trust by default.
Trusting by default means that you stay connected to the archetypal energy of trust at all times. Instead of placing your trust in the inconsistency of others, you place your trust in dependable tangibles.
I trust that The Universe I live within is kind, generous and good. I trust my intentions and I trust myself to make great choices. I trust my intuition and how it speaks to me. I trust in the perfection of nature and my body’s biology. I trust in the unconditional love and support of my angels. I trust in God, in God’s presence and in God’s friendship. I trust in the steadiness of universal law. I trust in my evolution and trust that everyone is playing their part to help me grow. I trust that everyone is doing the best that they can (even if I don’t understand what they are doing). I trust that anything that I need to know will be revealed to me. I trust that I am exactly where I need to be at this very moment. I trust in change. I trust in possibility. I trust in creativity. I trust in asking. I trust that I am always supported.
I trust in these personal truths so much so that it makes it easy to trust other people -- by default. I choose to place my expectations only in those places where I know my expectations will be exceeded. With the Divine on my side, The Universe working in my favor and my willingness to be on my own team, it is easy to trust in the progression of my life; especially in those times when I do not exactly understand and especially when I cannot see where I am going.
Trusting by default has helped me to open myself to relationships. It has supported me in participating in my life. Most importantly, trusting by default has helped me to stay in the uplifting energy of trust when I am faced with a person who is untrustworthy or disloyal. Staying in trust keeps me connected to my invisible support system, centered within myself and open to learning my lessons. It keeps me away from the lower frequency energies of regret, guilt or disappointment. Trusting by default keeps my spiritual pulse strong.
What do you trust? I would love to know.
My New Goals
So I just listened to the criteria for being considered one of the greatest coaches of all times, according to Lance Hood, founder of Heartland Success. To be interviewed by Lance, I must meet his criteria. So now, Lance’s criteria are now better known as Stephanie Florman’s goals.
1-You have to be alive. 1/7 complete!
2-Be on TV, have had spoken to a Fortune 500 company, or have written a Best Selling Book. When I am not working with clients or sitting on the counseling couch to get my own mind and heart in alignment, I am writing my book.
3-Reached 300,000 or more people with your work. I’m not there yet, and this is where I would welcome your help. If you find these posts, my newsletter, my articles or my coaching beneficial, please pass the word along and encourage your friends, family members and colleagues to sign up for my mailing list. They can sign up at www.StephanieFlorman.com by clicking on the Receive Spiritual Solutions button or just have them click HERE and enter their email address.
4-Being financially successful by either making $1 million per year or having $2 million in assets (not including your primary residence). I am on my way : )
5-Transfer skills to students and clients (having testimonials and case studies). I am very fortunate that many of you provide feedback about my services and products. I always love to hear from you, so let me know your success stories or any questions you have!
6-Have projects or charities. My charity of choice is the ASPCA. Most of you know that I like dogs more than I like people. So of course, I have a huge space in my heart for animals. I admire ASPCA’s approach - education and law enforcement.
7-Expertise in personal development and motivation. I am one of the most motivated people I know.
In some of these areas, I’ll be the first to admit that I have a long way to go (like in #3). I am grateful for the clarity that Lance provided, and I look forward to sending out the email encouraging you to listen to my interview with him!
Let The People You Love Know
Anything worthwhile requires an investment of your energy or effort. This is true for one who wishes to achieve their goals and experience successful relationships.
I talk a great deal about the importance of knowing your needs and finding healthy ways to meet them. I realize that I tend to talk a bit less about another dimension of taking responsibility, something that deserves its fair share of attention as well. I will talk in first person to make it easier.
Here it is: It is my responsibility to let the people with whom I am in a relationship know my needs and my boundaries. This is true for my boyfriend, my family, my clients and all the members of my success team.
If any one of these people makes a choice that results in me being upset, it is my responsibility to let them know how their choices have made me feel. It does not matter what they did -- or did not do. What matters is what I do with the knowledge of what they’ve done!
A person cannot be responsible for what they do not know, meaning that if I do not tell them what they have done that bothers me, or what they did not do that I would have liked for them to do -- there is no way they can change it.
And, if I do not let them know, I have lost my right to be upset with them when they continue to take those same actions over and over again that originally upset me. If I let them know and they continue to do the same things that upset me, then I have some reevaluating to do!
If I am called to reevaluate the dynamic of the relationship, I have to ask myself if progress is being made. Progress is ‘intention in action.’ I am always looking for progress and celebrate it when I see it. It is important to acknowledge someone who is showing me by their actions that they have heard me -- and I do so with gratitude.
On the other side of things, someone can talk to me all day long about the changes they would like to make or the mistakes they have made; but if they do not ultimately make different choices, then all they are saying is that they have decided to stay the same. That is their choice and that is fine. All I am saying, however, is do not waste my time with all the talk. You must show me by your actions.
Changing our actions implies working with time. It is not fair of me to let someone know how I would like things to be different without giving them the time to show up differently. It took time for the dynamic to become what it currently is at this time; and it will take time for it to change. This is one gift of time.
The biggest secret to getting this responsibility slice right is to remember that people make their own choices. Always. Instead of tying my self-worth to their changes and taking their choices personally, I simply let their changes become my source of information about them.
I know that if anyone I cared about asked me to do something differently, and that choice did not involve me deliberately hurting myself or another person in any way, I would do it and I would feel great about it.
I would feel great about it -- so obviously I am doing it for me, not for them. I would feel great about being given the opportunity to show up the way that I want to for the people I care about. It makes me feel great to be great! So, making different choices is really about me and how I want to feel. When I make it all about me, I can take responsibility for myself. But when I make it about the other person, I feel out of control.
No matter what, however, the relationship you have with yourself is the most important! Know your needs and find healthy ways to meet them. Express your needs to the people that you care about and give them the choice to show up for you. Before you give up on someone or a relationship, you must make certain that you have given this person every opportunity to show up differently.
Has this helped you to see things differently? I would love to know -- please leave a comment.
Great Quote
I Already Know That
I have some really smart clients with some really brilliant egos. I can recognize this in them because I know my own brilliant ego very well!
Counseling is actually the ideal environment for the ego! The ego gets to sit on the couch and tell the story; and I have no problem with that, I always welcome the ego into session. I find it to be the quickest pathway to understanding the various choices my clients have made and continue to make.
I always know when the ego is talking because it has one big give away: it says, “I already know that!” There are, however, two problems with the ego’s “knowing.”
One problem is that the “knowing” creates self-fulfilling prophesies; it is the ultimate predictor of experience, guaranteeing a measure of control over an uncertain world.
For example, if your ego knows that people will let you down, you are not surprised when people do. You get to be in control of the situation and say, “I knew they were going to let me down.”
And the benefits do not stop there… You get to be right. You get to feel disappointed. Most importantly, you get to be justified in continuing to act out of your “ego’s knowing” that people will let you down.
These benefits, however, are really just setbacks; people who believe that other people are going to let them down end up searching endlessly for people to trust. They say in frustration, “Why can’t anyone be trustworthy?” or “I cannot believe they were so selfish when I needed them.”
The search is endless because the ego guarantees that even if you met the most trustworthy or selfless person in the world, they too would have to, by virtue of your ego, reveal themselves as someone who lets you down. That is how strong the ego is!
The other problem associated with the ego’s “knowing” is complacency. The ego tends to become so confident in what it knows that it does not want to know anything different - even if different equals better. It wants you to stay the same so that you do not need to risk going out into that big old uncertain world and get hurt. Remember, without the “ego’s knowing,” your world would become completely unpredictable.
So the ego tries to outsmart me, the counselor, and continue to control my client by using what it knows to keep everything status quo. Here is where action comes in.
You cannot change your mind without changing your actions. How does a person who knows they are going to get let down tend to show up in a relationship?
They either show up pretending to be perfect -- or they show up really needy. I have shown up many times as the perfectionist. It was a good plan, or so I thought, because I believed that if I were perfect, then I would not be in a position to need or want anything from the other person.
If I set myself up not to need anything, however, then I never put myself in a position to be let down. I also never put myself in a position to experience real intimacy. You can imagine the set-ups and the let-downs that went along with that perfectionist plan! Clearly, it did not work.
For me, I kept showing up as the perfectionist until I finally understood what a bad plan it was. I needed to change my actions, so I did; and I now have experienced real intimacy in my most personal relationships.
I am here to encourage you to consider changing your actions. Take it slowly, one choice at a time and one step beyond your ego’s comfort zone of guarantees.
Today I want you to question what your ego knows. See if what it knows is truly getting you what you want. Remember that most of the time what your ego knows ultimately stops you from getting what you want. Let your ego know that you are safe and that you will call upon it for help if you need to, but not before.
The goal here is to work with your ego; it has truly been your most loyal companion. Love it for how it took care of you when you needed it; and love yourself for finding healthy ways to meet your own needs.
Let me know how this works for you!
